Cliched nautical heading here..

...Couldn't bring myself to write anything that included the word 'sailing'...

Aneyhoo, off on a cruise for a week and a half, so I'll be net-inaccessible until the 7th (unless I find a cyber-cafe in Casablanca), but it also means I'll be without access to a word processor of any kind, so it'll be back to pen & paper.

Weird, but as I've got faster at typing, i've found the flow of ideas as each story develops seems to be running at the same wpm. Wether or not having to actually write stuff down improves my story-telling, will remain to be seen.

Knowing my luck, i'll just end up with 5 crap stories and writer's cramp.

Heart-Shaped Face

Thanks to Jammie for the words that got this one started

Heart-shaped face, Lift, Skeleton key, Parcel

“Look, I’ll be back in the evening, ok?” Luke held his wife reassuringly by the shoulders, then drew her into a comforting hug. “Look at it this way, you’ll have plenty of time to get familiar with the place; assign rooms, that kinda thing”.

“Yeah, I know. It’s just so… I dunno.. Big” Luke rolled his eyes.

“And you’re the one who always wanted a bigger kitchen” Rachel gave him a look.

“The kitchen in this place could cater for a fucking hotel, Luke” He smiled and hugged her again, kissed her heavily and set off down the path to his shiny new car.

“At least you can’t say the freezer isn’t big enough anymore”. He opened the door and threw his briefcase into the passenger seat.

“That ’Freezer’ is bigger than our old bedroom”. The engine burst into life with a throaty rumble as her husband smiled and waved genially as he crunched the gears into place and kangaroo-hopped out of the driveway.

‘At least he didn’t pay for the bloody thing’ Rachel mused as the sun glinted off the silver prancing horse on the back of the car as it turned the corner and out of sight. She could still hear it as she glanced over at her much more sensible Beetle in the driveway. Maybe the full package, including in-car DVD player and personalised number plates was a bit much, but at least she wasn’t paying.

She closed the heavy oak door and turned to the hallway. She couldn’t stop the grin possessing her face and the exultant scream that followed. In 3 short weeks, her husband had been head-hunted and promoted beyond their wildest dreams, and shortly relocated this this Fucking HUGE house in the middle of the Oxfordshire countryside.

The estate agent had shown them round, but the sheer size of the place was all they needed to say yes. The eager young agent had stammered over his pre-prepared speech, but she’d bought the place with the company’s money the second the limo crunched over gravel through the automatic gates. All she’d been used to before this was a council flat in a shitty area, part of the many sacrifices they’d made (she more than he) to fund Luke’s ambitions. Her patience had been running thin, but it was working. His slow steps up the executive ladder was giving them a comfortable life, they’d even started going out again.

She picked up the elaborately designed folder containing all the information on the house from the table by the door, along with her coffee and strolled into her spacious kitchen. It really could have catered for a hotel, well, a small one anyway, but it was still bigger than your nearest Starbucks, deep blue-tiled walls, stainless steel tables and a walk-in freezer that was indeed larger than her old bedroom. It was absolutely barren at the moment, but the company had told them that they had a blank cheque to furbish the house, so she should have it up and running in about.. Ooh, a month. She set the folder down on the bare central food preparation table and started to read.

“So, how’s the house?” Rick was smiling that smile again. All teeth, no content. Luke returned it.

“Oh, it’s fantastic, Rachel absolutely loves it” He shook Rick’s proffered hand, feeling the intentionally domineering grip and totally bone dry palm as it gently crunched his knuckles.

“Good-good, good to hear it” Luke hated that expression. He’d only heard it from people with nothing on their minds but their own self-promotion. He’d used it himself once and hated himself for doing so. “Your office is just along here, it’s got everything you’ll need to fulfil your position, and if you need anything, Hillary here will be at your beck and call“. A middle-aged, stern looking woman with her blonde hair in a tight bun looked up at him, acknowledged his existence without smiling and returned to her monitor.

Rick walked him into the office, it took Luke a second before he realised what he was looking at.

“We’ve completely duplicated your old office, it helps our new guys start work faster if they know where everything is”. He wasn’t kidding either, everything, from the positioning of the waste-paper basket (just the right distance for a well-aimed apple core or bullshit memo) to the framed inspirational posters that he never actually liked anyway. Ok, I’ll give you about an hour to get settled, then I’ll come back to see how you’re doing, ok dude?” He gave a hearty thumbs-up, which Luke returned, his insides cringing. Left alone, Luke looked around his familiar relocated office space. He hated the last job, so bringing everything that reminded him of it didn’t fill him with a sense of optimism.

“Ok mum, love you. Bye!” She’d had to call and tell her mother as much as she could about the house. She’d invited her over for dinner next week, should be enough time to get the kitchen up and running at least. Rachel pocketed her mobile and flicked through the folder as she travelled through the house

‘The master bedroom, approximately 400 square feet of floor space, with high walls and faux-baroque stylings throughout’. . Every room was carpeted & curtained, but lacked furniture. Smiling, she closed the door behind her and headed down the hallway towards the master bathroom. Passing a door on her left, she tried the handle, it was locked. Weird, she thought. Flicking through the folder, she found the floor plans. The door wasn’t on it, it just showed the last room she’d been in and the master bathroom directly beside it. ‘Must be a cupboard’, although she couldn’t help but think it was a little strange that the plans for a 100-year old house would miss something like a cupboard. Walking into the bathroom she looked into the corner of the room where the door was, and sure enough, there were 2 extra walls in the corner, indicating the cupboard space behind. The bathroom itself was fully fitted, with a legged bath in the middle of the tiled floor. It was huge, more than enough room for 2 people. She’d have to get some candles, she thought with a smirk. Still the fact the cupboard was locked irked her a little, and she pulled her mobile phone out of her pocket, searching through the contact lists for the estate agent’s number.

“Hi, it’s Rachel Anderson here, yes hello. Look, I’ve just had a look around the house and I’ve found a door that seems to be locked… no, it’s lovely, it’s wonderful, really. Yes, it seems to be a cupboard on the second floor… Where? Ok, hang on.” She trotted down the stairs and into the kitchen. “Which drawer? By the sink…” She opened the drawer and found a small silver key. “Yes, I’ve got it, thanks Harry.” She pressed a few keys on her phone and placed it on the table. She looked at the key, it looked new, and had a small engraving of a skull on one side. Creepy, but apt for a skeleton key, she supposed.

She returned to the upper floor and headed to the door. The key slid neatly into the lock and turned. When she opened the door, it wasn’t a cupboard behind it, but brightly lit, ornate panelling on the walls. She stepped inside and turned. Beside the door were 2 buttons, the top one was lit.

“It’s a lift!” She racked her brains to try and remember if the space taken up by a lift shaft had taken up any floor space below, as it had done in the bathroom. Nope, she couldn’t remember, and was just about to walk out of the lift when the outer door closed abruptly. As she jumped back in shock another internal door slid into place and the lift shuddered. The other button lit with a ‘ding’ and the lift slowly started to descend. In the kitchen, her mobile started to vibrate wildly as it blasted out a polyphonic version of ‘Money, Money, Money’ by Abba..

“Luke! How are you settling in?” Rick entered the room, closely followed by another inanely-grinning suited colleague. “This is Chad, hope you don’t mind his sitting in on our little chinwag” Luke hung up the phone, he’d have to hope Rachel got his message soon.

“No, not at all” He beckoned them to sit down, even though Chad already had.

“So, Luke, let’s get down to it. We wanted you because you, individually, made your company over three million pounds last yeas”. Luke squirmed slightly.

“Yes, well, a lot of it was luck, you know. I just happened to be invited to the Sapperstein’s daughter’s wedding through a colleague and…” Rick held up a hand.

“Luke, Luke. There were several people at that wedding, but not one of them could network like you. You saw the opportunity, and you grabbed it with both hands. You’re the kind of guy we want here. I won’t lie, we’re expecting the same kind of numbers, if not more, for us. Can you deliver that, Luke?” His face was pseudo-friendly, but his tone had an element Luke didn’t like.

“Well, I can’t make any promises, like I said, those contracts were sort of a fluke, but I’ll do my best while I’m here”. Rick sat up straight, then sat back in his chair. Chad stopped looking at the picture of the Cheetah over the word ‘Ambition’ and begun to pay attention to the conversation.

“ ‘While you’re here?’ what do you mean by that, Luke?” The room had got suddenly colder.

“Well, what I meant was, I.. I’ll probably move on, eventually. It's not that I’m not grateful for all you’ve done for Rachel and me, on the contrary, the house is fantastic”. He missed the smile that flashed across Chad’s face. “But what with the generous wage you’re paying me, plus the incredible commission rates you pay, I could probably retire within the next ten years!” He smiled broadly at them, but their faces remained impassive. “I mean, you guys must be thinking along the same lines, right?”

Chad sat up.

“Did you read the contract you signed with us, Luke?” An empty pit opened in his stomach

“I.. flicked though it, I thought they were all the same?”

“Did you read the section on the non-disclosure agreement?” Chad reached into his inside jacket pocket and pulled out a tube of rolled-up paper.

“I read some of it. I signed one at my last place, they’re pretty much the same.” Chad placed the tube on the desk, where it unfurled. Luke could see his signature at the bottom.

“Take another read. Under the non-disclosure section”. Luke took the contract and started to read.

“Yeah, it looks standard. It says as long as I’m employed by the company, I’m not allowed to divulge any internal information with outside companies”.

“No, it doesn’t”

“What? Yes it does”

“Read it to me” sweating slightly, he scanned the page again.

“‘As long as the contracted employee is within the employ of the company, neither he nor any spouse or children shall divulge any information pertaining to the company, sensitive or otherwise, to anyone outside the company, for any reason.’” He looked up. “And?” Rick sighed theatrically.

“Let’s go for a drive”.

Puzzled, Luke stood up and walked around his desk and out into the hallway. His heart pumping and his mind racing. As he walked, he could see into the other offices along the corridor, every person he saw looked thoroughly miserable, working without smiling, and every desk had a large, flat red box beside the in-trays. He swore he even heard a sob coming from one office.
“We’ll take the company limo. Give us a chance to explain things… in simple terms”. They entered the parking garage, the Limo gleaming under the fluorescent lighting. Looking to his left, he could see his Ferrari in his private parking space. Should he make a run for it? Where would he go but home? He sunk slightly and ducked his head as he sat in the plush leather seats. The other two sat down as well, facing him.

“Well, Luke. It looks like there’s several things about this company you should be made aware of. We brought you in for your sales prowess, but do you know what the company actually does?”

Luke thought hard. “It’s medical research and private healthcare”. Chad grinned.

“And you never thought that was a strange combination? Sounds innocent enough, I know, but think about it…”

The Limo crunched over the gravel in the drive and stopped outside the front door. The driver opened his door and Luke exited slowly. He was pale, having vomited twice. They’d told him far more than he’d wanted to know, and he had no idea what awaited him as he opened his heavy oak door.

He stood in the door frame.

“Rachel?” He looked down to a large flat, red parcel on the table beside the door. Looking up to the sound of shuffling feet, he saw his wife walking out of the kitchen, her long red hair covering her face. “Rachel?” His wife raised her head, there was no face, just a flat covering of skin on the front of her head. There was a piece of equipment attached to her neck which made hoarse breathing sounds. Paralyzed by horror, he came to his senses when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“She’s fine, don’t worry. Unfortunately, she broke the terms of your contract not long after you left the house this morning. Had a revealing conversation with her mother, told her where the house was, how much money you’re earning. Even invited her Mother over for dinner. We can’t have that, not when national security’s at stake”. Luke felt like vomiting again.

“But her face… why?” Chad patted him on his other shoulder.

“One thing we’ve learned in our 50-year history, is that once a woman starts talking, it’s a hard habit to break.”

“But she’s never read my contract, how the fuck was she supposed to know what not to do?”

“And whos fault is that?” He smiled that fucking smile again. Look, she’s fine. She can still see, kind of. She’ll need protein injections once a day, which the company will provide free of charge, but she’ll be a willing housewife, cooking, cleaning… servicing… everything a good wife should be”.

“But her face….” tears were streaming down his face.

“Oh, yeah. Here you go…” He casually tossed the red parcel to him. Gingerly he opened it. There, attached to small pieces of machinery and several blood-filled tubes, was his wife’s heart-shaped face. Her eyes darting from side to side in horror until they fell on her husband’s face. Her mouth moved quickly and silently as Luke sank to his knees. Chad crouched down beside him and looked at the terrified face in the box with a sickeningly kind smile.

“Funny, they all try to talk, you know.” He stood up. Rachel was now standing beside her husband, showing no sign she knew he was there. “Well, we’ll be off, we’ll have your car brought over. Wouldn’t have gone with yellow myself, but there you go, each to their own.” They both started to leave, Rick stopped and turned to him.

“Have a 4-day weekend, Luke, I think you’ll need some time to get adjusted. But hey, look on the bright side, now you can bring your wife to work. Everyone else does.”

Non-Specific plaugeurism

Yes, i know that's spelt wrong. Anyhoo, took this from Mike's, who in turn nicked it from Chris'

DO YOU SNORE? Apparently, yes. I have been known to wake myself up

ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?A lover, never been in a fight

WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR? Losing my loves

AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC? Absolutely. I was a whiz, I once made a spaceship that was actually 20 ships all joined together. It rocked. Only you couldn't pick it up or it would fall apart.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF “REALITY” TV? Pointless voyeurism that foists useless morons on the world, who in turn are lapped up by their ilk

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? Can't says I do

WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? If my son is anything to go by, then I was GORGEOUS

IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? Was, till I met the person who ended all that nonsense

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?Black.

DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? I don't sing. Court order.

HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? Seen wayyyy too many wacky home videos to even contemplate the idea

ANY SECRET TALENTS? Now, if I told you, they wouldn't be secret...

WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT? Anywhere but here

CAN YOU SWIM? In bursts

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO? Yup, and it was the lager that made me cry at the fat chick dancing

DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE? I've been told I have to

HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? Wouldn't know, first time I tasted one I nearly threw up

CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? Nope, but I can say it backwards in less than 3 seconds

DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER? Pencils?

WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING? I'd like to stand on the necks of anyone who kills ANYTHING for 'sport', not necessity

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? In the past, actually

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Certainly do, I seem to be only one who can read it...

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? Radion Automatic

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU” ? Just now, actually

DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS? Nope. Not even my own.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? Unfertilised, thanks.... Har-de-har. But as you're asking. In an omlette with cheese & Frankfurters

ARE BLONDES DUMB? Depends on the blonde. I've met some pretty thick brunettes in my time

WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? Eaten by the laundromat monster

WHAT TIME IS IT? 20:50

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? Yup, and sadly enough, it's self-imposed.

IS MCDONALD’S DISGUSTING? In every way

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR? 17:15

DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? Baths.

IS SANTA CLAUS REAL? As real as you want him to be

DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED? ummmm... no

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? Used to be. mainly because of a terrorizing older brother

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? Peanut Butter Kit-Kat Chunkies

CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER? Crunchy.

CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK? Sometimes, but I have to crack my thumbs when I get up in the morning. And the tip of my right middle finger. And my right ankle cracks incredibly loudly whenever I take my foot off the gas

HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE? No. actually

IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE? I've inhaled in the past. can't say it changed my life in any way.

ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER? Used to be. i once slept through a patio window being put into the wall directly below my bedroom

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Green with brown bits

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? Some more cash would be nice, but I'm good.

ARE YOU PSYCHIC? Not specifically, but I've had moments

HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE? Nope

DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS? Steering Wheel Bongoes

HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY? 10p, when I was 8

CAN YOU SNOWBOARD? No idea, the opportunity hasn't arisen

DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? I love being outdoors, but as long as I'm warm and dry. Haven't actually camped yet, but i have a young son and I live in the country, so It's probably on the cards at some stage

DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH? Depends on what caused the laugh.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? Real magic? No. Haven't seen a trick I didn't figure out yet

ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND? Depends on the dog

YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? When necessary.

CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? Only without an audience

DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES? Not if I take my time

IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY? Fokking freezing, and it's no fun standing on the footplate beside my crane at the top of medway hill in 40mph winds, lemme tell ya

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Bourbons dunked in tea

DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH? Never have

HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW? These posts have a word limit right now. It would probably be easier to say who i don't like, but i'm not gonna

WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? Was the Frosties one, but the internet rumour mill gave that one too much notoriety

DO YOU SHOP AT T K MAXX? Oh god no

FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT? Hoppipolla by Sigur Ros. Old, yes, but still my current fave

In desperate need of inspiration

You'll notice I haven't updated in a while. There's a few reasons for this, all tedious and boring to everyone that isn't me.

I've got a full head at the moment. as I was discussing with Jammie earlier, I'm not currently getting any down time with which I can let my mind wander, which is what happened with 'Bleeding'. (The actual blood-letting from the finger helped , but Mike & Jenn's inspiration to write Green Fingers got some kind of juices flowing)

So, here's the thing. In no way am I trying to start The Curve ball off my own back, but I'd like some sparks thrown my way. In the form of 4 nouns.

Just 4. Any 4 in any order, and I'll try to get a half-decent. 500-ish-word story out of it.

But, please. Make them kinda interesting. "Apple, paperclip, biscuit, Library" isn't going to make good reading.