How to beat the Indian call centres and have fun doing it

You know the ones I'm talking about. they operate out of Mumbai or Kashmir, and since they're outside of the EU, they view OFCOM and TPS with mocking eyes. They're also the ones with the automated system that call 5 numbers at once, connects to the first line that connects, then leaves the other 4 with dead air. Illegal in the UK, there, not so much.

We've got this phone with a digital display, which is bloody handy as I can choose who to ignore, which is mainly anyone I don't know. Luckily I know how to work a compootah so a quick trip to google lets me know who just called, and I can plan accordingly.

There's a new scam doing the rounds, which I wasn't actually aware of until my chums at DVDreviewer enlightened me. They call you up and claim to be from the Windows help desk, and ask if your PC is running slow and/or crashing a lot. Now, i'm lucky, in that I'm a PC geek without being a collosal geek. I don't know what TCP/IP means but i have just spent 5 days fixing a laptop with 120 viruses using the existing OS without a recovery disc or access to the bios. It's just knowledge I've accumulated over the last 10 years, and I just do it. Don't ask me to write it down, I wouldn't know where to start.

Anyway,. with this knowledge in tow, and with these videos in mind, I was delighted when 'International Unavailable' came up on the display and I received the following call;

Me: Hello?

Them (pause - click): Hallo sir, I amcallingfromthewindowshelpdesk...

Me: Whoa whoa whoa. What the fuck was that?

Them: (pause) ... Iamcallingfromthewind...

Me: STOP STOP STOP!! I cannot understand a bloody word you're saying. Are you reading that?

Them: errr.. I.. am.. calling.. from...

Me: You taking the piss?

Them: No sir, I am calling from the Windows helpdesk. Do you have problems with your compeeyutar running slowly or crashing?

Me: no

Them: you do not have any problems with your computer running slowly or crashing?

Me: (bored) I just said that. Was that not on your script? Did that throw you?

Them:... (thrown).. so your computer is running ok?

Me: Yes, it is, It should be, I built it myself

Them: Are you a windows technician?

Me: I might as well be, I probably know more about computers than you do

Them: I'm sorry sir?

Me: I said I probably know more about computers than you do.

Them: Well, that's probably not true, I am..

Me: How do you defrag a hard drive?

Them: uh...

Me: How do you open a command console?

Them: ...

Me: what do you enter into the run command to open up the directX settings?

Them: well, I won't take up any more of your time...

Me: Hang on, hang on. You DO know everyone knows about this, don't you?

Them: Sorry?

Me: what were you going to get me to do?

Them: Pardon?

Me: You were going to make me visit a fake website that would put a virus on my computer, weren't you?

Them: uh, no sir, Like I said, I am from the wind...

Me: No you're not, you're trying to get me to visit logmein123.com and install a virus on my PC so you can steal all my personal information. Everybody knows about this, you're insulting my intelligence by even speaking to me.

Them: I am not trying to make you...

Me: Get a real job (click, brrrrr)

That felt good. I wasn't actaully angry or aggressive, I'm just a good actor. So, a few hours later, I get this..

Me: Hello?

Them (pause - click): Hulloo, am I speaking with Annabel?

Me: Do I sound like a woman?

Them: Oh, I'm sorry, is this Peter?

Me: Yes

Them: How are you today?

Me: Actually, I'm crap, I've got an infected tattoo I've just had to pay £7.20 for a bloody prescription, my hernia's playing up and I've got a bastard of a headache.

Them: Ah, Good. I'm calling you today from your home town of ash...forrd...

Me: No you're not

Them: ah

Me: If you're going to call me, in my home, don't lie to me

Them: click brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

This is the key, once you hear that pause, then the click, then the indian accent, get them on the back foot immediately. Don't get angry, but try to sound it, it's more fun that way. They are wasting your time and insulting your intelligence by speaking to you.

However, they're not all from India, Carphone warehouse are pissing a lot of people lately by employing an agency to convince you you're due for an upgrade.

Best advice, register with TPS (telephone prerence service) and when they call, tell them you're registered. When they say TPS doesn't apply to them, start filling out a TPS complaint form with them on the phone and ask them all the questions. They'll soon get the gist.

Anyway, since I started my non-aggressive resistance of their bullshit calls, we haven't had a call from them in over a month, when before they'd call us 3 times a day.