You know those times when you suddenly remember something from years ago and it makes you want to shrivel up and die? This isn't really one of those times...

With nothing better to do, and deciding to give GTAV a break for a while, I actually turned the TV on and flicked over to SpikeTV, one of the channels that doesn't really advertise itself that well round these parts, where they're showing the original Terminator, and it just happens to be at the sex scene between Sarah & Reece, with full orchestral accompaniment, when I was suddenly reminded of something I did at Norton Knatchbull when I was about 14.

Even though I was still at that tender age, I was earning a part-time wage and I must have looked older, as I was able to easily purchase a copy of said movie at WH Smiths. Around this time my computer geekiness was coming to the fore and I was spending most of my lunch break in the IT room mucking around writing basic DOS programs on the RM Nimbuses and BBC micros. Rock, and indeed Roll.

This was back in 1987...8-ish, back when kids didn't have individual laptops or tablets. We had rolling green blackboards and these babies

   

As it happened, we did have one of the TV stands in the corner of the room, and after a casual conversation with a schoolfriend about movies revealed that I owned a copy of the recent and increasingly popular movie, I was coerced into bringing it in. 

A week later and we arrange to watch the film in 2 hits, what with lunch breaks only being an hour long. The first session started well enough, but after the second 'Fuck' was uttered on screen, I noticed a couple of members of the meagre audience had left the room. Having been at the grammar school for 18 months, I knew that the choicest of curse words were in regular use around the building, so I was surprised to see someone being offended by some colourful language.

Turns out they weren't. Once word got out that there was an 18-certificate movie being shown in the IT room of a school full of children younger than the recommended age, of course everyone wanted to see it. In short order there was at least 50 pupils inhabiting a room about half the size of your average Starbucks. The first session ended OK, finishing when The Terminator had just performed surgery on himself. I turn it off after that scene and we have a suprisingly involved converation about practical FX in a pre-CGI movie world, and after reading the credits on the box, we all discover the names James Cameron and Stan Winston.

Next day, next session. Word had really got out and the room was packed for the second half of the movie. Chairs were laid out before my arrival, and a buffet table prepared (I shit you not), the lights were dimmed and I offer a quick verbal recap for those that both hadn't watched the first half, or hadn't seen the movie at all. Which, as it turns out, was none of those assembled.

I have this obsession lately with passages of time between events, for example there only being 12 years between the release of Jedi and the planning of Phantom Menace - even though it seems longer. At the time of these events, Terminator had only been released in the cinemas 2-3 years before. This was WAAAAY back when if you wanted to purchase a movie to watch at home, you had to wait. No such thing as a 6-8 week window from cinema to DVD/Blu-ray. No, you had to wait 6 MONTHS, and even then you could only rent the movie. You would have to wait another 3-4 months at least before you could purchase the degradable VHS at your local media outlet. You could purchase the VHS at the same time as it was released to rent, but that would set you back £70

£70 for a VHS copy of a movie that would degrade over time. Let that sink in for a while next time your stream buffers for 5 seconds.

BUT ANYWAY. So now everyone is up to speed, the second half of the movie starts and it's the shootout at the police station. A better start I couldn't have hoped for. All was going well and I was on track to becoming popular. Ot ar least known as that cool kid who bought an 18-reated movie into school.

It's just after that action-packed sequence a teacher affectionately known as Johnny 'Schitz' came into the room just as this scene starts.

It seems as if he hasn't realised what everyone is watching, even though though the room is more populated with pupils than it has ever been, and I'm hoping against hope hope that he leaves before he hears anything his sensitive teacher ears shouldn't. At one point he glances over and asks what we're watching.

'Just the Terminator, Sir'

'Oh. Should you be watching that?'

'(mumble mumble) Oh, yes Sir.'

'Hmmm... okay'

But sure enough, just as Johhny has one hand on the door, the Terminator makes his selection and tells the landlord where to go. 

"FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE"

The teacher stops, and although no-one is actually looking at him, they also know he has stopped, I can tell by their faces.

'Are you SURE you should be watching this?'

50 voices at once- "Oh, YES sir!'

'..fair enough', ~exit, stage right. Years later I got to know the guy quite well outside the school and he was a bloody nice bloke. He was fully aware of his nickname and really didn't mind. Shame I never actually had a lesson with him. Anyway...

This is when it all gets bloody awks

I'm sure you know the movie, but just after the 'Fuck you, Asshole' scene, is when Kyle & Sarah check into the Tiki Motel, and I suddenly have a crushing realisation of what's coming up in the next 10 minutes or so. 

{pause}

'Um... sorry, can I just check, has anyone else seen this movie before?'

(70-or-so shaking heads)

'Ok... is anyone here devoutly religious?'

(same)

'ooooo-kay. It's just... nevermindletsjustwatchthemovie' {play}
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And then, barely 7 minutes later, there's an IT room full of pubescent teenage boys and abandoned computers, with all eyes transfixed on the screen as Michael Biehn grabs Linda Hamilton's breasts, nipples on show, their pained expressions of lovemaking carrying on for far too long, as the stirring music swells and I try to look at anything except either the TV screen or the faces of those assembled, because gasing upon either would probably make piss myself laughing and thereby 'spoil the moment'. 

As the scene ends I suddenly feel hypoxic as all those in attendace finally exhale all at once and the room is suddenly full of nothing but carbon dioxide and embarrased 13-16 year olds. 

The film carries on, is enjoyed, and ends. With 20 minutes until the end of lunch those that have an interest spend the time debating how the FX was accomplished. In retrospect, we were pretty accurate about the comination of rear-screen projection, puppetry and stop-motion. 

Not long after, I was informed that although the ad-hoc presentation was popular, it wasn't to be repeated, as the school would actually have to pay for a special license. Which was a shame, as I wanted to traumatise everyone with Aliens the following week.

So there you go. That was my tale of when I accidentally showed a room full of a teenager Linda Hamilton's tits. Probabably not the most fascination of takes, but I've been saying for ages I'd write somthing more substantial at some point. here it is. Don't get used to it, it's probably just a phase...